Silence Sounds

I have found that I use silence as both armor and weapon. I use it in a strategic way. It is almost programmed in me seeing as how it goes unnoticed, slipping into my subconscious until I have a moment of introspection. However, it is my dominant mode of communication.

Silence As Weapon:

Silence spawns discomfort and sometimes insecurity. I'm not sure how or when I keyed in on this facet of silence, but I have been exercising it for all it's worth ever since I can remember. I typically use silence as a weapon to express disappointment, displeasure or disharmony with my surroundings. I noticed that this came forth full fledged while working as a cocktail server. Now, let it be known, I have no qualms with drinking. I am no saint (nor do I imagine myself as such), but there is something very disheartening about seeing the same crowd of people drink and dance to pop music on a tri-weekly basis. I doubt I'll ever be able to walk into a club because of this. It is very much ritual for most twenty-somethings. The ritual plays out the same way every time... drinking, dancing, drinking, slurring of words, inability to engage in rational thinking, dancing, finding someone to make out with, making out, drinking, leaving with that person... I can only assume what unfolds after the departure, but I don't understand why people insist on participating week after week when there are so many more productive things to do with your time.

Needless to say, I experienced both disappointment and disharmony at my job. This resulted in me only communicating with customers when necessary. Why?
People want to be heard. At the same time, people use sounds as signals for ways to act and perform. My refusal to offer them either of these things, is my own does of ammunition.

We all know this because we all want to be heard as well. It's something that is very much a part of us from the moment we are born. And while it does impact tip earnings, it is more important for me to also be heard and understood in my silence.

Silence As Armor:

I don't like being comforted. It makes me uncomfortable. As of yet, I don't really understand this part of myself, but luckily it is slowly, but surely beginning to change. I preferred being alone when I was younger and sometimes I still have my moments. Perhaps I have some sort of fear that people might find out too much about me otherwise. At present time, my silence is restricted to moments of sadness and vulnerability. With that said, it comes to no surprise that I push myself away from people when I experience either of these emotions. Ironically, this silence usually comes forth when I don't want people to know what I'm feeling, yet, my silence is transparent, indicating everything I never wanted people to know.